A year ago today I sat drowning my grief at the bottom of a bottle. My heart was broken and the wine numbed the pain and blurred the reality that our precious son was gone. We were going through the motions, coexisting, and doing everything just to hang on. Daily I would be sure to keep a smile on my face and do the best to act as “normal” as possible. I learned a long time ago that if I appeared put together on the outside no one would see what was truly happening; I was falling apart on the inside. No one would ask, no one would show pity. If I acted like everything was ok everyone would do just that, act ok. The truth is a year ago today I was broken, mad at God and desperately wanting the answer as to why Owen had to fight from the second he was conceived? Why did he have to die just 16 short weeks after his birth? Why his short life was filled with so much physical pain and why were my husband and I powerless to fix it? Why? A year ago today my world was sad, lonely, desperate, and my sunshine was gone. Darkness was in its place and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
As with every stage of our journey, when I felt the Lord was furthest away that was when he was actually closest. “For I know the Plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans for Hope and a Future.” Jeremiah 29:11. One year ago today, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I felt in my heart it would be negative but knew that in order to have the next glass of wine, I needed to know the truth. The truth was the Lord was gifting us with our Hope and our Future. The Lord was gifting us with our second greatest creation and giving us back sunshine. The Lord was showing us the light for as long as we were here on earth and the Lord was placing in our hands a gift that would save my heart, my soul, my marriage… Me. A year ago today Owen spoke to God and said, “I have the PERFECT gift for my parents. Lord can we bring Christmas to their hearts early?” A year ago today Christ was put back into my heart and Christ was definitely in CHRISTMAS!
I am incredibly thankful for Brody. What an incredible gift he is and a tremendous blessing he has been to our family. I will still ask the questions why but for now my heart is comforted and busy with Brody. The questions are content to wait until I am holding both our sons in the most beautiful place. And something tells me when I see Owen again and hold him in my arms the joy will wash all those questions away and the only thing I will be able to say to our God is, “Thank you.”.